So you probably follow my blog because of the music or photos that I post, not because of the personal posts, but I need to vent a little bit, so bear with me.
I’m in a weird place right now. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’ve been studying electrical engineering for about 4 years now, I’m set to graduate in the spring, and I love the material for the most part. I just don’t know what I want to do with it. I feel like I’m not smart enough to do the jobs that I think are really cool (i.e.- research), but I’m also too smart to do some other jobs with less stress and I’d get bored working them. I feel inadequate when I work with some people that have everything figured out and they can make like crazy devices and understand things that I haven’t even heard of, or have started a business or have research awards. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to be an engineer or if I just do it because I’m fairly good at it and it comes easily to me. On top of that, I don’t know what sector of electrical engineering I want to pursue, in part because the ones I enjoy have the worst job outlook. I’m going to apply to grad schools to give me a little more time to narrow it down, and I’m thinking about doing neural engineering because it’s cool to create devices that interface with the brain and maybe help people that lost a limb, or hearing or something. Once I figure out what I want to generally focus on, I’ll need a job that allows me some creative freedom…in other words, I’ll probably start my own business after a few years of saving money and getting investor interest…or go into higher education. In the mean time, I’m stressed because I have a job interview with a really big, really good tech company for an internship between undergrad and grad school.
Aside from just the stress of trying to figure out my career life, I’m stressed and depressed and lonely and I’m not motivated to do anything lately. I’m so lucky my schedule this semester is filled with classes with flexible deadlines because I’d surely have failed without that wiggle room. I don’t get much time with my boyfriend anymore, and when we do see each other, we just bicker…we’ve been dating for 2 years, have lived together for three fourths of that time, and I just wish we were in a better place in our relationship. I don’t understand depression. I wish I were happy again, that I could motivate myself to do what I need to do when I have time to do it, and that I didn’t feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown when my routine or exercise schedule get interrupted for a 2 day school holiday or if I don’t spend time with my friends, which distracts me from whatever I’m feeling. I hope I can get my life in order soon, so I can stop stressing, get out of this funk, and not be so miserable anymore.
Okay, I’m done. That’s probably incoherent. I don’t know why, but it always helps me to just vent to tumblr, so thanks.